Last night I was watching the latest episode of Glee—yes, I occasionally enjoy that show in all its ridiculously overtly Auto-Tuned glory—and one of the characters in a classic relationship-talk-moment (RTM) said the one thing that generally leads to complete misery for all—“I just have to be honest.”
Which prompted me to tweet this:
BECAUSE VERY BAD THINGS ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN!
Often when it comes to relationships, this sort of statement leads to a situation I like to call the Relationship Filibuster. If you don’t know what a filibuster is— it’s essentially when a person in congress talks about something until they just can’t talk about it anymore to delay a decision or vote. Often they are arduous exchanges of repetitive information in the form of questions that don’t go anywhere but serve one important purpose:
TO MENTALLY WEAKEN AN OPPONENT BY JUST PLAIN WEARING THEM OUT.
As with congressional filibusters, questions are asked in the Relationship Filibuster. More often than not, the RF starts with a simple question like, “So, who was there last night?” or “How are you feeling?” Oh, you naïve person you, thinking that this is such a simple question. Better clear your schedule, because you, my friend, are in for a Relationship Filibuster!
In television, they don’t have the luxury of an eight-hour show, so they cut to the chase quickly. But in real life, this is gonna take awhile. And usually someone is gonna end up crying. Big test tomorrow? Doesn’t matter. Seven a.m. sales meeting? Nah uh. The RF is gonna go down no matter what is on your personal agenda.
The end result of the Relationship Filibuster is always cold brutal HONESTY.
No matter how long it takes, they are going to wear you down, test your every response and get to that little nubby nub of a tidbit that indicates the unspoken TRUTH about a situation.
And generally that truth is that YOU ARE A VERY BAD PERSON.
YOU DID VERY BAD THINGS OR YOU HAD VERY BAD THOUGHTS WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY THE SAME THING AS DOING BAD THINGS (because thoughts are things, duh) WHICH MEANS THAT YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. (HAVE I MENTIONED HOW YOU ARE A BAD PERSON?)
The thing is—most of the time, no one feels good after such an exchange. Any time you have to pry the bitter honest truth out of someone things are going to end badly.
I have a few ideas about why people choose to initiate the RF and how you can avoid them in your own relationships.
1. They want to control the relationship. (Hint to control freaks: Impossible)
Here’s the thing: You can’t control another person’s actions or thoughts. You can only control your own actions/thoughts. If your need to control stems from a place of jealousy or insecurity, then either that person is not the right match for you—or you need to do something to bring your self-esteem up. That way you’ll get the credit you deserve for being the kind of awesome person that someone would want to be in a relationship with! Being super needy and insecure is attractive to no one—and you can ruin a perfectly good relationship by being that person!
2. They already know the answer and it is not a happy one. They just want to confirm what they already know.
If you know you are hiding something important and you are being an asshole by pretending your partner is a psychopath—you probably brought this on yourself.
Hahahahahahah (that was my psychopath laugh)
Try to keep in mind that people have different ideas about what’s important so don’t freak out if your partner doesn’t think your issue is a big deal. Try to remain calm! However, if you are one of these evade-y types that can’t get real about things, then you’re going to find yourself in the RF every time you get into a serious relationship. (Maybe it’s best to avoid serious relationships in that case?)
If you want to avoid the Relationship Filibuster, the most important thing you need to do is be honest with yourself.
Happily, the drama of the Relationship Filibuster can be completely avoided if you are in touch with your own feelings/motivations/distractions/weaknesses. The more honest you are with yourself, the more integrity you bring to a relationship. This builds trust—and the more trust you build the more secure your partner will feel and there will be no Relationship Filibusters in your future!
So before going to that brutally honest place with your partner, make sure you’re brutally honest with yourself first. Knowing where you stand in your own head is your best defense against unwanted relationship drama!
Music Inspiration: Veruca Salt | Get Back | American Thighs